Random

So its three in the morning and I am up with a sick 4 month old :( could anything be worse? I don't think so unless maybe my two year old was also up sick. but I seriously hate seeing my baby being so helpless with a fever of 101.4 and a cough. Why I am holding him my arm is seriously on fire but I just want to sit here and cry cause there is nothing else I can do for him except sit here and love him! Luckily I already have his 4 month check up in the morning so I will be able to take him in first thing!!! As I have been up with him so many thoughts are racing through my mind. I have had so much on my mind lately and I just feel like I need to get it all out.

I don't think I could be luckier I have the best husband who works so hard EVERYDAY to support me and the boys so that I can stay home and be a mom. I also have the cutest 2 year old who couldn't be sweeter! I know those of you who sit by us in church are probably thinking that you could think of other words to describe him and a lot of the time I can too but he really is so sweet. I cant tell you how many times during the day he will just stop playing and run up to me and give me the biggest hug and kiss and say "I luba you mommy" and then he will just go right back to playing and then a second later he will come back in hug me again and say "Mommy nice" it seriously makes my day, and then when he is acting totally out of control and I am trying to punish him he will look up at me with those huge puppy dog eyes and say "mommy pweas be nice to cartey" and my heart just melts. I also have the cutest baby ever! He has the biggest blue eyes and the cutest dimples and is so smiley and has started laughing and making the baby noises and is so happy I just love it. When I was pregnant with Bridger I was worried that I would love him less than Carter or that we wouldn't have such a good bond as I do with Carter but it is so weird how your heart just fills up with more and more love everyday and just make room to love both your kids and your husband and everything just fits perfect and you just feel so close and have such good relationships! I love it.

I have also been thinking a lot about being a stay at home mom. I love it so much and I wouldn't trade my time that I have with the boys for anything but sometimes I feel like I want to get a job just to have some time out of the house and to help take some of the financial stress off of Matt. I have been thinking about it so much a lot of my friends have jobs and work and are still way good moms and wives and they all have houses and all of these things that I want to be able to help with. Me and Matt have been talking so much lately about how we feel like our lives have just been in this stand still for so long and we are still just not progressing and we feel like we should be farther on in life than we are. We talk all the time about when we have a house and its been getting overwhelming, but one of the things that I realized when Carter was born and was growing up was that I was always so excited for the next stage. I was so excited for him to smile and then to laugh, and sit, roll, crawl, walk etc. that I was forgetting to live in the moment and enjoy the time while it lasted. (of course I was enjoying the time but you get what I'm saying) When he would start to do all of those things I would look back and think he grew up so fast and I would want him to be my little baby again. I have been trying to enjoy every moment with Bridger and not wishing it all away and I think that is what Matt and I need to do now. Its not bad for us to talk about things we want in the future and to work towards those things. But we need to cherish this time we have together right now and live everyday to its fullest and just have fun with life! I know one day when we are older and have a house and our kids are growing we will look back on these days and want them back. Please don't get me wrong I love my life right now its not like I am in a depression and cant handle it I think I just have a hard time just being ok and living in the moment and that is what I am working on.

Lately I have been reminded so much about our Heavenly Fathers love he has for me and for all of his children. I feel so honored that Heavenly Father trusts me to raise his children. I feel so inadequate. There is so much to teach them and in today's world I think that is what scares me most. There are so many temptations and things that are influincing the world and it is so overwhelming to think about raising children and teaching them everything they need to know so that they make the right decisions and are happy. That is why I am so thankful that I know that I am not alone in doing this. I know that Heavenly Father is going to be there every step of the way and he will guide me and help me as long as I am living worthly and seeking his help. If there is one thing that I have been reminded of lately it is that Heavenly Father answers prayers and he does work miracles and knows what is best for all of us. I am so glad that we have such strong family relationships with both sides of our families and that we know that we can always count on them to love and support us.

Well this post has been long random and I will be surprised if anyone actually reads it but this was more for me than anything. I am going to get back to snuggling with Bridger :)